DON’T LOOK BACK IN ANGER

Yes, I’m borrowing an Oasis song for my title. It fits and I do that occasionally.

Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately are friendships and relationships from the past that ended for whatever reason, and how I handle that. There are 2 paths forward. Anger and bitterness, where you want some sort of revenge. Or you make peace with the endings and you wish them well and hold no animosity towards them. I have always chosen the latter.

It’s not always easy. Someone breaks your heart and hurts you badly, and part of you wants to exact some sort of vengeance. Same goes when a longtime friend who disrespects you. Part of you wants them to pay a toll. But that’s never the correct response. There’s nothing to be gained from revenge.  Like Confucius said: “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” That’s some deep and accurate stuff.

In life, you’re going to get hurt by people you love. It’s inevitable. A friend will turn on you, stab you in the back. Or throw shade your way. It’s going to happen. It’s almost impossible to avoid. But how you deal with that is how you should measure yourself. Don’t let anger be the driving force in how you respond to getting hurt. Sometimes the people who hurt you had no choice. You aren’t in their head. You might not totally understand why they did what they did. Maybe they had to make a choice, and they didn’t choose you for reasons you may never know or understand. It doesn’t make them evil. It doesn’t mean they never cared about you. Maybe the timing was off. Maybe their feelings changed. Maybe they outgrew you. Sometimes you just don’t know why people hurt you. But you have a choice in how you handle that hurt.

High character people always choose peace over revenge. Good people choose forgiveness over rage. It’s not always easy being a good person. I think we all want to lash out at those that hurt us. It’s a natural inclination. But good people resist that urge. Their depth of character leads them down a path of peace not revenge. Good people understand that human beings are fallible. Nobody is perfect. Good people know that sometimes people will fail them, not because they are inherently bad, but because that’s just how life goes.

When I look back at the person that hurt me most, I have no anger towards them. No animosity. I don’t want revenge. I don’t want them to suffer. It’s actually the opposite. I want her to be happy. I want her to have a wonderful life. I want all her dreams to come true. That’s a fact. I have nothing but love for her. Sure, she hurt me, but it wasn’t personal or intentional. I know she didn’t want to hurt me, but I put her in a situation where she had to make a choice. She didn’t choose me. And that’s ok. It certainly didn’t feel good, but I was never angry at her about it. Like at all. She did what was best for her. I would have to be really immature to be mad about that. Honestly, whenever I think about her, it’s always great memories. Like the wonderful conversations we had. Or how she made me laugh. How she changed the way I think. How she changed the way I look at myself. She’s a very special woman. Just because I got hurt doesn’t make her a monster. Far from it. She’s a good person. She has a good soul. I could never truly be angry with her. It’s just not who I am.

Choose peace over revenge. Those that hurt you aren’t the enemy. Make peace with what happened. Don’t be bitter. Just cherish the time you got to spend with them and move forward. Don’t dwell on the pain. It solves nothing. Learn from it. Grow from it. Be a better person because of the hurt. Don’t let it mold you. Let it guide you to a kinder state of mind.

And, most importantly, don’t look back in anger.

Transformation

I spent the last 3 years or so working diligently on my mental health. I’ve written about this before so I won’t get into all that again. But I will say it was a resounding success. This is the best I’ve ever felt. I haven’t been depressed in a long time. I feel like a completely different person. I’ve grown so much. I’m mentally strong now. Nothing phases me. I treat people better. I treat myself better. I’m not angry anymore. I’m just laid-back. Very chill. That’s the person I always should have been. It’s never too late to work on yourself. But I still had a problem. I was strong mentally but weak physically. And by weak, I mean I gained quite a bit of weight. Heavier than I’ve ever been. I was not thrilled about it. So, I did something about it.

Over the last 10 weeks, I’ve lost 22 pounds. I’m very happy with the progress I’ve made. I’m starting to feel like my old self again. I still have 18 pounds to go to reach my goal weight of 220. I was 195 during my prime years, but I thought I was too skinny back then. 220 feels right for my height and frame. And losing the remaining 18 pounds is basically a done deal because when I set my mind to something I won’t stop until I reach my goal. That’s just how I’m wired. I can be relentless when I need to be.

I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’m a very confident person. I just am. But when I gained that weight, my confidence definitely took a hit. When I looked in the mirror I hated what I saw. So, I told myself to get to work. Lose some weight and get my confidence back. So far so good. My confidence is back. I think people confuse confidence with arrogance. I absolutely am not arrogant. Like at all. I’m just confident. I believe in myself. I know I can accomplish pretty much anything if I put in the work. That’s just confidence, not arrogance. I don’t think I’m special. I don’t think I’m better than others. Like I said, I just believe in myself. And that comes from being a confident person. It’s as simple as that.

In closing, if there is something in your life that needs improvement, just put the work in to resolve it. It won’t fix itself. You have to put a lot of effort into it. And you have to believe in yourself. Change is a good thing. Transformation requires discipline. You got this. There’s nothing you can’t accomplish.

Believe in yourself. Let your confidence shine.

New Story

I’m so thrilled and grateful to have my story ICE published by the amazing Ellipsis Zine today. This is my first story in a very long time. I was definitely rusty, but I’m satisfied with the result. Hope you enjoy!

You can read ICE here

Solitude Dude

One benefit to getting older, at least for me, is that solitude is more celebrated. Maybe that’s not accurate, it just seems that way to me. I don’t think I’m alone in loving  solitude. I absolutely thrive in it. I grow in it. I make better decisions in it. I’m at peace in it. Living a life of solitude is a choice. I choose solitude over being around people. I choose solitude over a relationship. Zero regrets.

Solitude just feels natural to me. It feels like home. It’s not that I despise people or anything. I just prefer the quiet that comes with solitude. With solitude, there’s no drama. No chaos. No annoying small talk. No manipulation. Solitude is serene to me. It’s not a sad story like some might think. It’s comfort. It’s freedom. It’s tranquility. It’s safe. It’s just me alone with my thoughts without outside noise. That’s heaven to me.

Now, solitude probably isn’t for everyone. Some people need to be around other people to feel normal. To feel content. To feel seen. And I totally understand that. I have nothing against people like that. I’m just not that way. I’m not saying I’m better than those people. Not at all. I’m just different. I don’t need people around me to function properly. It is what it is.

I mentioned that I choose solitude over a relationship. That’s mainly because my standards are extremely high. I absolutely will not settle. I know exactly what I want in another person. If I can’t find that, solitude will always be waiting for me. I do go on the occasional date. But I never ask for a second date. I know very quickly if I’m feeling someone, and the answer the last few years has always been no, I’m not feeling them. It’s going to take someone pretty damn special to get me out of solitude. It’s a big ask. I’m totally at ease in solitude.

I need solitude to recharge my batteries. If I leave the house for a few hours, I can’t wait to get home so I can unwind in solitude. I process my thoughts more thoroughly in solitude. I need time alone. A lot of time. It’s just how I am. Solitude is like a second skin to me. I couldn’t survive without it. That’s a fact.

In closing, solitude is wonderful thing for me. It’s not a tragedy. I don’t need saving. I don’t need to be rescued. I don’t need to be fixed. Solitude is contentment wrapped in  peacefulness, topped with a dollop of quiet. I need solitude the way others need validation. Just let me live my life of solitude. It’s who I am. It’s what I want. It’s what I need.

Go have fun with friends or your spouse. That’s great. But I’ll be sitting in solitude in a cool home with the AC blasting, lost in my thoughts, as safe as the gold in Fort Knox, getting my serenity on.

New Story Acceptance

My first story in forever was just accepted by the wonderful Ellipsis Zine. ICE will be published on August 17. And no, it’s not the ICE you may be thinking of. I don’t do political writing. I’ll give you a hint, and this will not be a surprise if you have read my stuff before. It’s a sad story lol.

A huge think you to Steve for accepting my story.

Apparition

This will be a short post. The subject is ghosting. Not the kind of ghosting you do when someone disrespects you. Or if someone is toxic or negative. That type of ghosting is perfectly acceptable in my opinion. I’ve done it many times. I believe in protecting your peace with vigor. But that’s not the ghosting I’m referring to. I’m talking about ghosting someone who did absolutely nothing wrong. I was a recipient of this type of ghosting years ago. My main question: Is it fair to do that to someone?

I surmise it depends on machinations of the person doing the ghosting. Their intent is clear to me. It’s beyond cruel. It’s devious. The ghoster is emotionally immature in my opinion. They lack empathy and compassion. They throw good people away like trash. So, to answer my question, of course it’s not fucking fair.

But people do it all the time. Without care. Without remorse. Without regret. They just ghost you and go on about their lives as if you never existed. Diabolical.

I honestly don’t have much more to say about it. I don’t condone it. Simple as that. I don’t treat good people in that fashion. Especially the person who did it to me 10 years ago. I would never have done that to her. I respected her too much. I admired her too much. I’m just not petty like that.

I honestly don’t want to write about this anymore because it makes feel a certain way. A way I don’t want to feel. So, in closing, don’t ghost good people. Don’t discard good people. Don’t be cruel to good people. And, yes, I’m one of those good people that got tossed in the bin. But you know what? I’ve grown over the years. I absolutely do not need her validation. Like at all. I know exactly who I am. She lost a good one. She lost a real one. Maybe someday she’ll realize that. But I honestly don’t give a fuck.

A late edit. This will be very brief. For years I thought I lost the best thing in my life when she walked away. Like I’m the one who missed out on something real and beautiful. I felt like I failed. I lost. But as I’ve continued to grow over the years, I’ve changed my tune. She’s the one who missed out. She’s the one who failed. She has no idea what I’m capable of. I can literally accomplish anything I set my mind to. I’m capable of great things. So, sure I lost. But she did too. Some people are ordinary. Some people are extraordinary. I know which one I am. I don’t think she does, though. That’s on her.

Do fucking better, ghosters.

Things I’ve Learned Over The Years: A List

1- Depression isn’t permanent. It can be conquered with therapy, medication and changing how you think. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process, one you must fully commit to and put the work in that is required. But you can beat it. Don’t give up. Hope is a beautiful thing.

2- Genuinely kind people emit a light and energy that draws you to them. Kind people are the best people.

3- Don’t let the opinions of others become your reality. That’s a quote from a former therapist of mine. Wiser words have never been said.

4- There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Don’t be the former. Confidence is attractive. Arrogance is a turn off.

5- Find a career that you enjoy. Working at jobs you hate will make you miserable and unhappy and lifeless. Find something you love to do. It doesn’t have to be a high-paying job. Just something you honestly like. Makes a huge difference in your outlook on life.

6- Don’t live in the past. You aren’t the same person you were 5 or 10 years ago. The past is only about learning from your mistakes. Don’t repeat them. The past can transform you, but it shouldn’t trap you. Live in the moment. Don’t dwell on things you have no control over.

7- If someone hurt you, it just means you tried. You can’t get a hit if you don’t swing the bat. Never regret trying or caring or loving or missing someone. Sometimes things just don’t work out like you wanted. Don’t be bitter or jaded. Just cherish the time you got to spend with them. They aren’t the enemy.

8- Don’t be afraid to learn from others. If someone does a certain thing better than you, learn from them. For me it was my former therapist. She was the kindest human being I’ve ever met. At that time I was not kindest person in the world. So I learned from her how to be kind. And that’s what I am today, a kind person. It applies to anything. If you’re an alcoholic, learn from someone who is 10 years sober. If you’re new to writing, learn from established writers and so on.

9- When it comes to relationships, never settle. Aim high. Don’t be in a relationship just to be in one, or to avoid being alone. Don’t stay in a dead relationship because it’s just easier than breaking up. Put yourself first. Your happiness trumps everything. Know your worth. Don’t be afraid to be alone for a spell. You’ll learn more about yourself than you ever will in a relationship. You will also grow and understand yourself better. Don’t settle. EVER.

10- Be yourself in all situations. Some people won’t like you. That’s a fact. But it doesn’t matter. Just be yourself. Don’t be somebody you’re not just to please someone. It doesn’t work that way. If they don’t accept who you are, then walk away. Trust me, you will find your person or your people. Don’t deviate from who you are. You are good enough. You are intelligent enough. You are kind enough. Be yourself.

11- Don’t beat yourself up too much if you fail at something. We all fail at some point in our lives. It’s how you handle failure that truly defines you. Learn from it. Grow from from it. Do better next time. Always have a positive attitude no matter how many times you fail. And most importantly, never stop trying. Keep going. Keep pushing. You got this.

12- You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. It took me years to understand this because I hated myself for decades. Relationships always failed because of this. But I’ve grown so much over the years. I finally love who I am now. And it’s a game-changer. I treat people so much better now. I don’t take things personally anymore. I don’t doubt myself anymore. And, for probably the first time in my life, I’m ready to fully love someone. In the past, I could never fully invest myself in a relationship because I felt I was damaged goods. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t love myself. But I’m a different man now. An improved man. A man who doesn’t hate himself anymore. My future feels bright now.

13- Enjoy every second of your kid’s childhood because in the blink of an eye they grow into adults who don’t need you the way they did when they were little. Time flies. Cherish every moment with them because eventually they’ll move out and start the next chapter of their lives. It happens so damn fast. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. I’m both happy and sad about that. Happy that she will start the next chapter of her life and hopefully accomplish great things. Sad because she won’t be my little girl anymore. Yeah, I kinda want to cry right now.

14- Keep toxic people out of your life. If someone doesn’t support you, get them out of your life. If someone one is constantly disrespectful, get them out of your life. If someone only brings chaos and drama, get them out of your life. If someone always brings up the person you were 10 or 15 years ago, get them out of your life. Life is too short to have negative people around you. They drain you. They kill your happiness. They kill your peace. They kill your attitude. Get those toxic fuckers out of your life. You don’t need them. You’ll be just fine without them.

15- Enjoy the simple things in your life, whatever form that takes. For me, it’s sitting on the porch, drinking coffee, enjoying the tranquility it provides. Or the laughter of my daughter. An excellent movie. A deep conversation. Laughing at yourself. A walk in the park on a beautiful day. A wonderful memory that flashes in your mind. It could literally be anything. Cherish those simple pleasures.

We Are Not The Same

Something I’ve really struggled with lately is cutting people out of my life who either don’t align with my current life or I see them as toxic. It’s difficult to let go of people I’ve known for decades. It’s not something I enjoy. It’s not something I feel good about. I put a lot of thought into the decision to block them or cut them out. It basically comes down to if they disturb my peace or not.

I’ve grown so much over the years. I’m always evolving. I don’t resemble the person I was even 10 years ago. I’m all-in when comes to personal change. So when I have people in my life who haven’t grown over the years, I struggle with it. Like they are exactly who they’ve always been. No growth. No evolving. They’re just content being less than. Average. Mediocre. That’s the opposite of me. I’m always trying to improve myself. I can’t relate to people who don’t feel the same. So I cut them out of my life.

Is it fair? I honestly don’t know. Is it too harsh? Maybe, maybe not. If you bring nothing new to the table why do I need you in my life? If you constantly bring up the person I was 20 years ago, why do I want you in my life? I’m not that person anymore, and if you bring that person up, I don’t appreciate it. Talk about who I am currently, not who I was decades ago. I have no tolerance for that nonsense and negativity.

The whole situation is just difficult for me. Like literally earlier today I blocked someone Ive known a very long time. I can’t say who it is or what they did because there’s a small chance they’ll see this post and I don’t like throwing people under the bus. All I can say is that they received something they didn’t earn. Something expensive. And it really rubbed me the wrong way because if I want something I bust my ass to get it. Nothing is handed to me like that. It really bothered me so I blocked them. No final message or anything. Just blocked them. And like the other people I’ve blocked, I don’t know if I was in the right. It’s still on my mind.

My circle is so small now that I have nobody that I can have deep and meaningful conversations with. Not counting my kids. It’s hard to go through life with nobody to talk to about important stuff. I did this to myself. I made those decisions. Nobody forced me. I chose to cut them out. But it did come with a price. I have to deal with everything alone. Nobody to share things with. I’m mostly fine with that, but I do miss having people I can talk to about stuff.

In closing, I honestly don’t know if every decision I make about blocking people is the correct one. If feels right at the time, though.

If you’re not growing and evolving why do I need you in my life? A question I don’t have a firm answer for. All I know is that I will continue to grow and evolve and prosper. And if you don’t want to come along for the ride then fuck off. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone besides my kids.

Too harsh? I don’t give a fuck. I do things a certain way. My way. The right way. If you don’t align with that then good luck to you. I hope you figure things out.

But just know, I’ve probably already blocked you. It is what it is. Zero regrets.

Completely Random Stuff In My Head: A List

1- I don’t enjoy going on dates. I barely do it anymore. People bore me. My standards are too high. It is what it is.

2- Related to #1. I’m not lonely. I enjoy being alone. I thrive in solitude. I don’t need someone to feel whole.

3- I love making tacos at home. Either with ground beef or seafood. I also make quesadillas. I eat both multiple times per week.

4- I rarely feel emotions anymore. Must be the medication. I’m in the exact same mood everyday. I don’t get too high. I don’t get too low. I feel kinda robotic at times. Beats being depressed, though.

5- I would love to sit in a bar and have a beer with Jack White. Such an interesting guy. He’s a cool cat.

6- I have the best daughter in the world. She’s beautiful, intelligent, funny, kind, a hard worker, and generous. My life would mean nothing without her. The sun rises and sets with her.

7- I absolutely love true crime, like Dateline and 48 Hours. I’m fascinated by why people do evil things. Still can’t figure out why men murder their wives instead of getting a divorce. Makes zero sense to me.

8- I ended a friendship recently with someone I’ve known since I was 17. I don’t feel good about it. I also don’t feel bad about it. He said some things I didn’t appreciate. It felt disrespectful. So I cut him out of my life. Wasn’t an easy decision, but it was the right decision.

9- My 2 previous posts were about a woman from my past. I don’t regret writing them. It was cathartic. They needed to be written. But I won’t write about her anymore. It’s a waste of my time and energy.

10- I absolutely will not date a Trump supporter. No explanation needed.

11- I wouldn’t change a single thing about my past because it helped transform me into the man I am today. Without the struggles there wouldn’t have been growth and understanding.

12- I live by 2 mantras. 1- Always be evolving. 2- Be a better person today than I was yesterday. These are extremely important to me.

13- I’m very punctual. Never late. Always on time. I expect the same from others.

14- Women are the most powerful and greatest people on earth. They can love you, heal you, change you, fulfill you, enrich your life, and also absolutely destroy you. Crazy power.

15- Intelligence is sexy as hell.

16- I’m attracted to short women. No clue why. Below 5’4″ is preferable.

17- I’ve pretty much played every sport during my life. Golf is by far the most difficult to master. Hard to be consistent.

18- The older I get the more I appreciate Pink Floyd and The Rolling Stones. Some of the best lyrics in the game.

19- I desperately want to move to Florida before I get too old. I’ve already looked at houses and apartments online in the Port Orange/Daytona Beach area. My mom used to live there, so I know the area a little bit. But I won’t leave my daughter until she starts the next chapter of her life. She’ll be 18 in September. I’m still a couple of years away from moving down there. I just want to be close to the ocean. And play golf year round.

20- I’m a massive introvert. It’s not that I dislike people, it’s just that I despise small talk. I’m very comfortable in silence. People can be exhausting at times.

21- I’m always worried about my son. He’s had addiction issues and suffers from depression. He doesn’t reveal much, so I’m never positive about how he’s doing. He’s a good man. Very intelligent. A huge heart. Extremely funny. But I’m constantly worried something is going to happen to him. Probably irrational, but it’s how I feel.

22- I still think about that cop that found me sleeping in a parking garage in the winter of 2011. He changed the trajectory of my life. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without his intervention. We’re friends on Facebook. He’s a good dude and great husband and father. I want to be more like him.

23- I want to write a novel at some point. But I won’t unless I can write the perfect book. I need a great plot. I won’t write a book just to write one. It has to be excellent. And I won’t do what other online authors do, write a book and give it away for free online. Fuck that. If I devote 6 months of my life to write a great novel, you will have to pay to read it. My talent has a price tag.

24- I’ve lived in this house in Middletown for over 8 years, and my neighbors know nothing about me. I reveal nothing. They only know my name. They don’t know I’m a writer. They don’t know about my past. They don’t know anything about my kids. That’s the way I want it. You have to earn the right to learn more about me. I’m just a very private person.

25- I had a Lyft passenger recently who said “thank you for the therapy session” when I dropped her off. One of the best compliments I’ve ever received. She talked about struggles with her kids, and I offered some basic advice. It was a nice drive.

26- I protect my peace with a passion. I won’t allow toxic people in my life, including family members. I’ve cut off numerous negative people from my life. Zero regrets.

27- Fuck ICE. They’re just bullies with a badge.

28- I’ve gained some weight the last 2 years. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been. I have a plan to lose weight, just like I did 9 years ago. Once I start, I won’t stop until I reach my goal. But the hard part is actually starting. I need to be properly motivated.

29- Not a fan of cold weather. It goes back to my homeless days. Back then, in the winter, I was always cold. It got in my bones. It stayed with through the years. I wear layers even in the 50s.

30- A real friend lifts you up. They don’t tear you down. They support you. They root for you. They celebrate your successes. They listen when you need to talk. They comfort you when you’re hurting. They always have your back. Surround yourself with real friends. Good human beings can be difficult to find.

31- My philosophy on how I treat people is really simple. If you’re cool with me, I’m going to be cool with you. No matter your race, sexual preferences, religion, country of origin etc.. if you’re good to me, I’ll be good to you. Simple. If you’re disrespectful, you will receive my wrath.

32- My favorite thing about driving for Lyft and Doordash is that I have no boss. I’ve always had an issue with authority. I love the freedom I have. I work when I want to. I stop when I want to. I decline orders when I want to. I know my worth. I only do Lyfts and dashes that make sense financially. I don’t do low ball offers. I’m very selective. It’s the perfect side income for me. I honestly love it. Also, I’m not stuck in a building for 10 or 12 hours.

33- I’m a very flawed man. I make mistakes. I make poor decisions occasionally. But I’m always trying to be a better person. It’s a never-ending quest to be this idea I have in my mind of what a perfect person is. Perfection is unattainable, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying hard to be that. I’m always working on myself. Always trying to improve who I am.

The Art Of Being Weak

I’ve been thinking about my last post, the one about a woman I cared about like 10 years ago. The more I think about it the more I feel weak and pathetic. We haven’t spoken in 10 years and I write a long post about her. Absolutely pathetic. I’ve made a ton of strides in my life over the years, but apparently not with her.

People always eventually show you who they are. She hasn’t reached out to me in 10 years. Not a single word. I think I sent a friend request on Facebook a few years ago which she didn’t accept, of course. She has shown me exactly who she is, but I refuse to see her through that lens. That’s on me, not her. I’m angry at myself, not her. She’s not obligated to talk to me. She’s not obligated to be my friend. She’s not obligated to me in any way. But yet I still pine for her. Just pathetic.

I know in my heart she doesn’t give a fuck about me in the slightest. She’s made that extremely clear the last 10 years. I mean nothing to her. She doesn’t care about me. I don’t exist in her world. Yet I persist in this fantasy land in my mind that she was the one. That our connection was real. That our chemistry was electric. That one day we will be together. I’m so fucking stupid and delusional and weak. Unacceptable. I have to do better.

Like I said, people always show you who they are. She certainly has the last 10 years. And to be clear, I’m not angry at her. Like at all. I’m angry at myself for being pathetic. For believing in something that isn’t real. For believing in fate and destiny and all that nonsense.

This is all on me, not her. She’s the strong one and I’m the weak one. Just totally unacceptable.

I have to do better in the future. Stop being weak. Stop caring about people that don’t care about me. Stop writing about people who don’t give a fuck about me. Stop holding onto fragments of memories. Stop wishing something into existence.

I must do better. And I will.

(Also, I’ve told my daughter all about this woman. She’s the only one I talk to about her. Recently, I was taking about this woman to my daughter. She called me a “yearner.” That’s pretty dang accurate.

So, no more yearning. (Yeah, right)

This last part is an edit because I always leave stuff out.

To be clear once more, this post is an indictment of me not her. She did nothing wrong. Being weak is a me problem. Thinking I’ve moved on when a part of me hasn’t is a me problem. Believing in fairytale shit is a me problem.

What’s frustrating is that while I’m thinking about her or writing about her, she’s just out there doing married people stuff. Having sex with her husband. Having dinner with her husband. Going places with her husband. Not a single thought about me. Or I wonder how Chris feels about this. Or I wonder how Chris is doing. She’s not thinking about any of that stuff, which makes me feel small and inconsequential. A nobody.

I thought I made this huge impression on her. I was wrong. I thought there’s no way she could go 10 years without speaking to me. I was wrong. I thought my feelings were reciprocated. I was wrong. I thought she genuinely cared about me. I was wrong. I honestly thought we’d reconnect someday. I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. And I absolutely fucking hate being wrong. But I was. And that’s a me problem.

In closing, I have more work to do on myself. As I mentioned, I’ve made a lot of strides in my life, but I’m obviously not where I want to be. This is 2 posts in a row about her and it needs to stop. I have to keep moving forward. I have to face  the hard truth that she doesn’t think about me. It sucks, and I wish I could change that, but I can’t.

I have to be stronger. I have to be better. And most importantly, I have to stop being a weak ass sad sack. I’m better than that. I know this. But I need to start acting like that instead of being a doormat.

Letting go of someone I care greatly about is so fucking difficult. But I have to. I have no choice. She let go 10 years ago. It’s about fucking time I do the same.

(Also, like the first post about her, I won’t share this on social media. I’m not trying to put her on blast. And I don’t give a fuck about an audience. I wrote these for me. To understand myself. To heal. To fix shit in my head.)