Wisp Of Smoke

The first thing I always ask a woman when I meet her on a dating site or wherever is are you happy? A simple question. Yes or no. But they never answer with a yes or no. It usually starts off with well… and then, basically, I’m content. Or it’s complicated. Is it?

This morning I finally asked myself that very question. Am I you happy? Well… it’s complicated. I can’t say yes or no. Do I feel better than 12 years ago? Yes. Am I happy, though? I don’t even know what that really means to be honest, which makes it an unfair question to ask women. But it’s more than fair to ask of myself. Let me go back in time.

I certainly wasn’t happy in 2010. I was homeless, addicted, and severely depressed. Unmedicated. Adrift. Happiness was a pipe dream. I was always angry. Always sad. Always struggling. I was the opposite of happy.

In 2012 I got help from an organization called Transitional Living. They help people who are struggling with mental illness and addiction. I got a case manager. A therapist. Medication. Still not happy though. I would go on to fall in love with my married therapist. More than love really. I was gone, man. She was the ONE. I fell hard and fast. I thought only of her every second of the day. I played scenarios in my head about us hooking up and spending the rest of our lives together. Did I mention she was married? Anyway, this wasn’t unrequited love. She was as into me as I was into her. This isn’t delusion. It’s a fact. She told me as much. Long story short, we flirted for 2 years until she finally said it wouldn’t work because she was married. She ghosted me. She ruined me. But, during that amorous time, was I happy? I don’t think so. It was an illusion of happiness, I was only on the periphery of happiness. It wasn’t real. She wasn’t even that real the more I think about it. I wasn’t committed to meds at that time. I wasn’t even committed to therapy either, I just wanted to see her and talk to her, be in her world for an hour a week. I also asked her if she was happy. She hesitated and finally said she was content. Of course. Bullshit alert.

Back to present day. I’m fully invested in meds now. I take my pills every night without fail. I see a different therapist every week. My finances have improved. My relationship with my teen daughter has improved. Life is pretty good right now. But am I happy? Well, I don’t know. I feel better certainly. But I still get lonely occasionally. I still get depressed, but the lows aren’t as low as they used to be. I still struggle with anger issues. But I’m also a little kinder and more empathetic than I used to be. I don’t have an exact answer to the happiness question. Honestly, I’ve never been fucking happy in my whole life, so I don’t even know what it feels like. But I’ll keep searching for it, I have to. It feels like my main mission in life now. Because being just content seems a bit sad to me. Settling of sorts. I don’t want to settle for feeling average. I want that unicorn of happiness.

So, let me ask you something. Are you happy? Be honest with yourself.