Well, I haven’t blogged in forever. I haven’t written much of anything lately. But that’s not why I’m writing this post. I just have a lot of shit in my head that I need to pour out. This will probably be a rambling, incoherent mess. I’m a bit rusty. Anywho…
1- The car wreck. Almost 10 weeks ago. I was involved in a pretty bad car wreck. I was on a delivery, approaching a green light when someone turned left right in front of me. I had no time to react. I veered right and lost control of the car. I drove into a culvert and ran into some metal boxes/contraptions. It happened so fast. I sat there stunned. My first thought: something is wrong with my back. Next thing I know, I’m in an ambulance and they gave me some fentanyl. It didn’t help the back pain. I landed in the emergency room at Atrium Hospital. More pain meds which also didn’t help much. They did a CT scan, which revealed a fracture in my L1 vertebrae. The problem was it was a burst fracture, which basically means the vertebrae was crushed. That eliminated any kind of surgery. It would have to heal on its own. They fitted me with a heavy back brace, which actually helped a little with the pain. They also gave me a walker and pain med script and sent me on my way. I was like I’m not 80, I don’t need a walker. WRONG. When I got home, I realized that I couldn’t really walk. It was excruciating to take a step. So I did use the walker for a few days. It really helped tbh. I never knew a back injury could be so painful and life-altering. It was pure agony at times. But I slowly got better. I wore the brace for 5 weeks. They said 4 to 6 weeks, so I took the middle route. I’m pretty much healed now. I feel good. But I’m pretty sure I’m going to have at least some discomfort for a long time. When I walk too far, it hurts. When I take the bus, it hurts. But when I’m at home, just lounging around, I feel fine. So, that’s a good thing. The most difficult part of the back injury was the mental part. Like I didn’t trust my back in the early stages. I convinced myself I couldn’t do certain things because my back was too weak, or it would be too painful. I really struggled with that. I probably could’ve done more than I did those first two weeks, but my head was in the wrong place. But, I’ve always been a fast healer, so I kinda knew I’d be ok in a week or 2. I broke my finger years ago and played a round of golf 2 days later. I just took off the splint. It wasn’t my best round of golf lol. 3 days after hernia surgery, I was moving well and started driving my car again. I broke my wrist when I was a teenager. The day the cast came off, I was playing basketball with my friends. Suffice it to say, my wrist was a bit stiff.
2- The aftermath. My car was totaled in the wreck. I didn’t even know how bad it was until I got in the ambulance and the EMT literally said “your car is totaled.” I glanced out the back of the ambulance and I saw one of my front tires sitting like 15 feet from the car. That’s how fucking hard I hit those metal boxes. I’m grateful I wasn’t hurt much worse. I’m grateful my daughter wasn’t in the car.
So, my car is totaled. I had no insurance. I let it lapse a couple of months prior, the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. A lot of regret there. So, I no longer had a vehicle. I still have payments left on the car. A shitty situation all around. My job is Doordashing, which requires a vehicle, obviously. No car and no job just like that. It was overwhelming. I love dashing. No exaggeration. Absolutely love it. It’s the perfect job for me. No boss, which is great because I’ve always had a problem with authority. I get paid daily. I pick which orders I want to do. I work when I want. I stop when I want. It’s perfect. I’ve done right at 4,000 deliveries. I’ve made pretty good side income. My customer rating is 4.98 out of 5. I’m proud of that. I take pride in being a great dasher. I care about the customer. It’s been awesome. Then the wreck happened. As of this post, I haven’t worked in about 10 weeks. Staying home every day is driving me insane. My home feels like a prison sometimes. It’s triggered a depressive episode. I’ve started to isolate myself. I’ve withdrawn from everyone and everything except my kids. I’m a hermit now. It’s not fun.
The loss of the car and job greatly affected my financial stability. I’m basically broke all the time. It’s been a supreme struggle to survive these last 10 weeks. It’s been the most difficult thing I’ve dealt with since my homeless days. It’s just been rough. I haven’t handled it very well. All I want is my old life back. I dashed every day. I rarely took a day off. When I wasn’t dashing, I was running my daughter and her friends around, the movies, parties, the mall, restaurants. I miss that so much. I need that structure in my life. When I don’t have structure I make bad decision after bad decision. But, unbeknownst to most people, I’ve always been a very optimistic person. And I’m a great problem solver. But those 2 strengths are definitely being tested right now.
3- The mid-life crisis. That shit is real. I don’t know what other men my age experience in regards to a mid-life crisis, but I can tell you exactly what my experience has been. I’m obsessed with having a ton of money and younger women. When I say obsessed I mean OBSESSED. especially the younger women thing.
The money part surprised me a bit. I’ve never cared much about how much money I had or made. You might think because of my gambling past that I’ve always been obsessed with money. Wrong. Gambling addiction has nothing to do with winning a ton of money. For me, it was always about an escape, from those soulless warehouses I worked in for decades. From the racists and homophobes I worked with. From devastating depression. From a bad relationship. It was an escape from everything. The track was like a second home to me. I felt nothing when I was gambling. Zero emotions. I didn’t dwell on shit when I was gambling.
Anyway, back to the money part of the mid-life crisis. I think about money frequently. Like having a lot of it. Being wealthy. Life-changing money. But I have no plan to achieve that. I won’t happen with gambling. I don’t play games of chance like Powerball, scratch-off tickets, and slot machines. I’m a math and stats guy, so games of pure luck don’t interest. I have sometimes thought about poker tournaments. I’m good at poker. No Limit Hold Em. But you need a large bankroll to try that, which I don’t have. Plus, I would have to travel to like a casino in Indiana to play. No thanks. So, I don’t have a clue how to make a bunch of money quickly. And me being me, I prefer the easiest way possible. Work smart, not hard. I even have a mental list of people I would help if was wealthy. Besides my kids, the list is solely comprised of people who have helped me over the years. Some in small ways, some in big ways. They would all benefit if I struck it rich. But, it’s a pipe dream. This I know.
3- Younger women. This only started maybe six months ago. I was dashing, picking up an order at Bourbon’s Kitchen, an “elevated grub pub” as they call it online. I walked in, not my first time there, and saw someone new working. She was thin, a brunette, and quite attractive. She smiled and handed my order, and I left. I did briefly think about her later that day. Just like well, she’s awfully cute. But over the next couple of months, I got a lot of orders from Bourbon’s Kitchen. I saw her a lot. We eventually developed some small talk whenever I came in. She is so sweet. She always gives me a huge smile. And she doesn’t make me wait like others do. As soon as she sees me, she takes care of me. I dig that. So, I started to have feelings for her. Strong feelings. Feelings I haven’t felt in years. But she’s really young. Probably 20 or 21. Too young? Of course. Do I care? I do not. I like what I like. But, I also don’t want to be the creepy old dude hitting on a young woman. I don’t think she knows I like her. Unless she’s good at reading body language, then she might know.
90% of me thinks she’s just being nice. That she’s not interested. But 10% of me thinks she’s quite flirty. That I have a chance. I tend to listen to the 10% of me, unfortunately. One thing about me is that I’m a confident person. I’m not afraid to ask that prettiest woman in the room out on a date. I’m not intimidated by beautiful women. But with her, I’m gun-shy. Mainly for 2 reasons. 1- Her age. That’s a big one. 2- I got burned years ago by someone I was all-in with. She was the one. But it went sideways, and I got hurt. Badly hurt. Life-changing hurt. And I told myself that I would never let someone hurt me like that again. I told myself that I wouldn’t let myself be vulnerable again. I would never put myself out there again. There’s no way in hell. But that creates a problem with Cora. She’s so young and I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again. I don’t think I’m willing to take that chance again. I’ve thought about just giving her a compliment or something to see how she reacts, but I just can’t pull trigger. It’s a dangerous game.
But, because of Cora, I have zero interest in women my age. Absolutely none. Either I’ll date a younger woman or I’ll die alone. Well, that woman that destroyed me years ago? I would date her because I’m a glutton for punishment and a straight-up masochist. Good times.
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Wisp of Smoke 