I’m Still Here


An early morning vape and a cup of coffee. The world is asleep; the shadowy, crisp air is guileless and placid. There is comfort in routine. There is harmony in solitude. Well, to me at least. Those of us who don’t fare well in crowds; those of us who readily choose soothing silence over the grating drone of human noise. We are judged to an extent. We are not normal, they say. We don’t make eye contact therefore we are weird and flawed. We are outcasts because we find solace in books, music, stillness, and the hum of quiet skin. We don’t require an audience to clap at every witticism and stray comment. Such is life as an introvert. Artificial smiles and faux compliments aren’t our thing. We choose authenticity over people-pleasing. We choose introspection over self-serving kindness. We stare longingly at walls. Okay, maybe we’re a bit strange.

I don’t really have much to say with this post, words are difficult to conjure at the moment. My mind is a freshly dug trench. I have withdrawn from social media and sunshine. But that’s how I heal, by using solitary actions as a tranquil prescription. When I struggle with an issue, like a frayed relationship/friendship or the never-ending saga/drama of child visitation problems, I assume the fetal position inside my head. I turn off all emotions. (As best I can) I calm my soul. I look for the good in the bad. I seek the beauty hiding in the ugly. I drink solitude for breakfast. I grow stronger. I fall apart and then rebuild. I survive. An acquaintance of mine taught me techniques that help me breathe when my throat is clogged with anger and self-doubt. Life hurts at times, life has the ability to annihilate you. If you let it, if you choose to be defeated. We control our reactions and our responses. We control our attitude in times of thunderous sorrow. You can’t avoid pain, criticism, and trampled feelings. They will find you at some point, they are hungry for your surrender. But we all have a choice in how we carry ourselves, the manner in which we stand resolute against a swarm of barbed thoughts. Give no one the mental blade that rips you apart. Give no one ownership of your emotions. Overcoming pain is an arduous process, but it is achievable. We can be whole again. We can choose to be humans of character and integrity instead of humans of hopelessness and antipathy.

There will be people who enter our lives then depart abruptly. We will not want them to go. We will miss them terribly. We will have many questions that will never be answered. And, like a Spring storm, the ache will rain down upon us with a malevolent fervor. But, once again, we have a choice. Do we wallow in pain, fill our souls with rage and misery and focus solely on the negative aspects of estrangement? Or should we remember how that person brought joy to our world, how they impacted our lives in a profoundly positive way? Yes, choose the latter and rejoice in the brief but wondrous time you had together. Their winsome face will eventually fade away, but their essence will curl around your fingers and mind like a wisp of enchanting smoke. There is comfort in allowing ourselves to smile genuinely and without regret. It’s only then that we suture our wounds, rise from the couch, and soak ourselves in the warm light of a time that will soon disappear but will never be forgotten. Goodbye is a beginning as much as it’s also an ending. And we can find salvation in solitude and morning coffee and a delicious vape! [Or disregard every word of this post and just sleep all day. Being comatose is a balm of sorts. Or something.]

I haven’t been writing much lately, but I just thought I’d do a quick post with some quotes I love and a couple of songs. Get some, yo.





download (1)



Strong lyrics throughout. “You are relentless in the way that you love me.” Indeed.

“Will I ever be the hero in your song?” Damn you, Jurado!

I’m a bit obsessed with this band as of late. Takes a minute to get to the lyrics, but it’s worth the wait.

Modest Mouse stays in heavy rotation.

The lead singer of the Black Keys doing his thing.

I think I posted this before, but I heard it again recently and still dig it.

No big deal, just my new vaping device. Probably the sexiest thing I’ve ever held in my hands, sadly.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s