Conversations With Inanimate Objects

Alarm: I must request that you rise from your slumber, my liege.

Me: What?

Alarm: GET UP, OLD MAN!!!

Me: Fuck off, you menace.

Alarm: Coffee?

Me: I said FUCK OFF!!! Yes, please. One teaspoon of sugar.

Mirror: You might want to consider using some softer lighting in here.

Me: Thanks for the kind words

Mirror: I’m tired of reflecting that genetically deficient beard of yours.

Me: Can I rinse my face in silence, please? Jesus.

Mirror: You can’t rinse away those wrinkles and that gray hair. Am I right, big guy?

Me: 7 years of bad luck seems doable.

Couch: Take a load off, handsome.

Me: Thanks, baby.

Couch: Any chance you could change those sweat pants? 6 consecutive days doesn’t sit well with me.

Me: I could always go sit in the recliner.

Couch: You, sir are diabolical. It’s cool. Stay seated, master.

Radiator: I’m getting really steamed that you keep chain-smoking those filthy Pall Malls.

Me: Haha. Just keep the place warm, dude. Your commentary is unwarranted and unnecessary.

Radiator: Don’t fall asleep.

Me: What are you saying?

Radiator: Fall asleep, old man and you’ll understand what I’m saying.

Me: You’re always so dramatic. I think I’ll light another smoke, just for you.

Radiator: Have fun beating-off tonight.

Me: Keep it up, asshole.

Radiator: You think Ofelia is getting plowed right now? Do ya? Yeah, she’s getting slammed. Jaja.

Me: I wish it was summer, you bastard.

Tablet: What’s your poison? Porn, article to read, social media, some stalking?

Me: What’s happening on Facebook?

Tablet: Let’s see. A bunch of libertarian crap, cops are evil and our government has everyone shackled. The great oppressor. Um, more selfies from those arrogant cretins fishing for compliments. Lots of memes disguised as insight into said poster. Somebody made peach cobbler. Dude hitting the gym, again. Another one posted a picture of their kid for the 10,000th time. Ah, here you go, a post about what a “real man” is, I know you love those.

Me: Come on, man. Any decent songs or links to an interesting story?

Tablet: There’s a song by Katy Perry and one by Five Finger Death Punch. One article posted about how God disapproves of homosexuality.

Me: Ugh. Just cue up the porn, man.

V-neck purple shirt: You look good in me.

Me: I’m aware of this.

V-neck purple shirt: You should pair me with those favorite jeans of yours. Wear us to work, the ladies will be all over you.

Me: You think so? That would be nice.

V-neck purple shirt: No, I don’t think so, you moron. You’re so gullible, dude. You’re washed up and you’re a psychopath. I almost feel sorry for you. Almost.

Radiator: Lmao. Good one, purple shirt.

Me: Fuck this, I’m going back to bed.

Mirror: Goodnight, Grandpa.

Couch: Sweet dreams. Wanna leave some more potential untapped before you close your eyes?

Radiator: I assume that Ofelia will not be accompanying you?

Tablet: What about the porn?

Alarm: What time shall I wake you?

Me: Never.


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